I sat on my bed looking for constelations outside my treehouse window, my pet wolves sleeping soundly next to me. "Where is the north star?" I wondered to myself.
You see, when Faith (main character) when faith was seven years old her father married a wicked old woman who had four daughters who where just as wicked as well. Her new stepmothers name was Hilda, and her new stepsisters names where Doris, Margot DJ and Alyssa. They all LOVED her father dearly, but they hated Faith, like dig a fifty foot deep hole and push her in hate, and all they wanted to do was to get rid of her, and when that oppertunity came, they took it. Faith's father was enlisted in the army and was called out to war, but just before he left he showed her the north star and told her that when he was allowed home that he would follow it streight to her, but as soon as her father had gone Hilda packed up al;l faiths belongings and took her to a forest a long way away and it was there that Hilda abandoned Faith on the side of the road that brings us to about where we are now.
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2 comments:
Hi, its me, aristocrat! I spend my free time writeing this story and I would appreciate it if you would post your comments and things and ideas that you have about my story so I can make it better!
OK.
Your first paragraph starts out speaking from the point of view of your main character: "I sat on my bed...", but the second paragraph is written like a friend would write it: "You see, when Faith..."
It is easiest for readers if you stick to one point of view, and that is the main characters. So Paragraph II should go like: "You see, when I was seven years old, my father married a wicked old woman... My new stepmother's name was... But they hated me...
I like the "Dig a fifty foot deep hole and push me in kind of hate" bit. Probably that needs to be done like this:
"But they hated me, with a dig-a-fifty-foot-hole-and-push-me-in kind of hatred."
very cute.
Probably you do want to bring out Faith's name somehow, and as she is speaking casually, using expressions like "you see" and silly expressions like "dig a hole kind of hate", it would be lovely to start the second paragraph with: "My name is Faith, and when I was seven years old..."
All my best!
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